Sunday, April 29, 2007

My First Fake News Article- An Onion Tribute Post*

Cosmopolitan Magazine to Fire Staff

Los Angeles, CA.- In an effort to remain competitive in an age where many publications within printed media at large are losing their readership to online alternatives, the executive board of Cosmopolitan Magazine has terminated the majority of its staff. The magazine, known and beloved in dorm rooms and sororities across the nation, will continue to operate on much the same scale as before, in spite of the substantive cuts in its work force.

"We realized that we really have settled into a comfortable groove in the past few years," said Gabriela Martinez-Lowenstein, Cosmopolitan's Editor-in-Chief. "Honestly, we've been running more or less the same sex advice column as a feature article ever since the Spring 2000 issue, and the only significant change in it from month to month is the number in the "Ways To Be Scorchingly Great in Bed" section. Oh, and we sometimes change the adverb that goes in front of "Great" in the title. I mean, why alter a winning formula?"

Martinez-Lowenstein said that the entire writing staff of the magazine has been fired with two months' severance pay, effective immediately. "I realized that the magazine could function the way it always has without the superfluous drawback of having to pay actual reporters or collumnists or whoever. I mean, no one here has actually had to write an original piece in over five years anyway. So from now on our employee roster will include the layout guys, the circulation department, the photoshop crew, and a new girl I just hired as head of development," said Martinez-Lowenstein.

The new head of development, recent college graduate Autumn Pallbright, intends to make maximum use of the freed up capital from the bloated salaries of the magazine's former creative element to expand Cosmopolitan's readership. "We totally think there's a big number of high school and college age guys who want this magazine to appeal to like, their social needs as well," said Pallbright, recently matriculated from Palm Springs Community College. Towards this end, the premier issue of the magazine's male-oriented joint publication will appear as of June 1, 2007. An anonymous source close to the magazine stated that since this new magazine, aptly named "MaCosmo" does not have the advantageous resource of articles from back issues, and, as with its sister publication, no writing staff, the first issue will consist of 157 pages of Jessica Alba photographed in various "Tasteful yet provocative" depictions, along with an add for Ax Deodorant. Neither subject was available for comment.

*Special Thanks to Chad Honsinger and Drew Nicholas, who provided, albeit unintentionally, some of the sparks for this composition.

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